Death, Control, and Anxiety

A few weeks ago, Bethany and I took a walk - so that Bethany could train for her upcoming half-marathon walk, and so that we could go out to buy some groceries without driving. We ended up doing a 3 mile walk, round-trip from home to the grocery. But on the way, we decided to walk through a beautiful cemetery, one that has been here for decades at least. There was nothing morbid about walking through a cemetery in the middle of the day; but it did remind me that we all live, and we all die. Life is fragile.

Today, I heard a man tell a story about what was going through his mind as he went through open-heart surgery and other on-the-verge-of-life-and-death experiences. We were talking about how it is important for us to take care of our health and to take precautions in life, but to be reminded that, in the grand scheme of things, there is much about life and death that we have no control over whatsoever. We can't control the drunk driver who slides across the center divider. We can't control the tornado or the earthquake that rips through our home. We can't control the rare heart disorder that was never detected. Much of the things of life and death, ultimately, are out of our control.

So that has me thinking about anxiety. I think that what I am most anxious about is whether or not all my affairs would be in order if I were to die. Would I be leaving things a total mess for Bethany, who would already have to deal with grieving over the loss of her wonderful and intelligent and attractive husband? Or do I have it all laid out... emergency contacts, tying up loose ends to pass on my work, financial and insurance matters, making sure that my loved ones know that I love them...? Perhaps I'm anxious... because not all of this is done.

Thinking about life and death is sobering. We avoid it because it's unpleasant; but unpleasant does not mean unrealistic. Even if I don't expect to die soon, would I be ready for it? If I have anxieties - and I do - then I need to deal with what is behind those anxieties. If I have loose ends that I can take care of, so that my dying is not more difficult for family than it needs to be, then I need to take care of those things. The sooner the better.