Conversation Expectations

We have learned quite a few things since moving overseas 2 years ago (that's right - yesterday marked the 2-year point of our arrival to this country). One of the things we have learned is how awkward-but-must-have conversations are to be conducted here. Learning this has helped us to have good expectations, preserve relationships, and avoid frustration.

What is an awkward-but-must-have conversation? Something like... discussing with your landlady about renewing your apartment lease for a year, and negotiating the rent for the coming year. That's the conversation that I had tonight.

In the States, there would probably be no conversation. You would get a notice on your door (or maybe an e-mail) that says, "Your annual lease will be expiring in 30 days. You are hereby notified that, if you would like renew your lease for the coming 12 months, your rent will increase by 14%. Please notify the property manager if you would like to renew your lease, or give proper notice of your intent to vacate your apartment. Thank you." There... that only took 2 minutes to read. Everything black and white. Choices are clear. Move along.

It's not like that here. Instead, it starts like this...

Two weeks ago, I run into my landlady while walking home. I say, "Oh, by the way, our lease is about to be up! We should talk with you sometime about renting for the coming year!" She says, "Oh yeah, that's right. Well, when the time comes, we'll talk." (Literally, she says, 到时候我们再说吧, which means, "When the time comes, we'll talk.")

Then a few days ago, I say, "Wow, look at that... the time has come! We should talk!" She says, "Ok, we'll connect sometime next week."

Then today she calls me and says, "Did you want to talk about renting for the coming year?" I say, "That sounds like a good idea. Thanks for bringing it up! Sure, let's talk!" She says, "Ok, come on over to our home tonight after dinner."

By now, we have had three conversations about the rent, but we have also had zero conversations about the rent. Tonight's conversation, at her home with her and husband... this would be the conversation. And I knew to set aside at least 90 minutes for this conversation.

I go over to their home. We all know why I'm there. We all know what we're gathering to talk about. But, we do not get right to the point. That's not how things work here. If I walked in and said, "Alright... so, let's talk rent..." - that would be awkward and disrespectful. What's more important is the relationship we have with each other, not how much rent they're going to charge. So, I sit. We talk.

We talk about where we all traveled during May 1st holiday. We talk about whether we're going to travel for the upcoming Dragon Boat Festival Holiday. We talk about how work is going, how the business registration process is going. We talk about looking for office space. We talk about how office space is a lot cheaper on this side of town. We talk about how everything seems to be getting more expensive these days. We talk about their daughter. We talk about how much homework she has. We talk about how learning Chinese can be pretty difficult at times for us.

We talk about a lot of things, but we all know what I'm there to talk about.

After about 40 minutes of chit-chat, my landlady says, "Oh... so, about the rent..." And then they refer back to the part about everything getting more expensive these days. They say that they did some calculations, and rent is going to have to go up this year. Up by 7.8%. "Oh, I see. Hmm...," I say. No quick answer. No visible reaction from me one way or the other. It is not yet time to end this conversation. So, we talk more.

We talk about the other apartments they're renting out, and how much rent has gone up or will go up for those apartments. We talk about how much the rent increase was for us last year (13.3%). We talk about the baby that's on the way. We talk about whether it's more of a financial burden to raise a boy or a girl in this country. We talk about the benefits of renting a home instead of buying.

My landlady goes to the fridge to bring out a bag of bamboo-leaf wrapped sticky rice (粽子), which she made for us. After all, next week is Dragon Boat Festival. I say thank you. We continue talking. I have now been at my landlady's home for 75 minutes.

When I find a good segue, I say, "Oh yeah, so... about the rent. I understand why it needs to go up this year. It makes sense. After all, the cost of everything seems to be going up this year. What do you think about a raise of only 5.8%?" (I'm using percentages here, but we were talking about RMB amounts.) The husband hears the number, asks his wife, "What does that come out to?" She calculates. He says, "Yeah, yeah... that should be fine. Close enough. After all, we're all friends anyways!"

There. The deal is done. But... you can't just end it there and say, "Alright. Well, we're all settled then. I'm off now!" That would make it look like the only thing you came here to talk about was the rent, and now that the rent's settled, you want nothing else to do with them. Come on, you should have learned that by now!

So, we talk. We talk for another 15 minutes. The weather. Raising children. Whether or not a woman should wash her hair for the first month after giving birth. Whether or not not washing her hair is linked to later-in-life arthritis in her knees. The standard stuff.

90 minutes in, I say, "My my, look at the time. Well, thanks again for letting me come over, and also for the 粽子 - these will be great! Oh yeah, I'll get that rent money to you first thing on Wednesday. I guess I should head home to the wife now...!"

And then, I walk home. 90 minutes well spent. The rent conversation is done. Rent went up, as expected, but only by a reasonable amount. Relationship is intact, if not even strengthened, perhaps. And, going in with the expectation that this would be a 90 minute conversation wherein only 6 minutes of the conversation would deal with the actual topic of rent... having this expectation definitely saved some frustration. All in all... a good evening, and a good conversation.